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Table of Contents
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Chapter 0: Salutations
Throughout my four hundred years of teaching thaumaturgy, I have yet to find a single thaumaturge that can explain their field without sounding like they have a stick up their ass. So, after four hundred years of not doing anything, I think it's about time I actually not not do anything.
Greetings! I am Muhammad Antigonus, renown master thaumaturge and not-so-renown bootleg comedian. You have likely heard of my many other works across the library, where I explain some obscure topic no one really cares about while also making an unfortunate amount of bad jokes. If you haven't heard of me, you have now; welcome to A Semi-Serious Introduction to Thaumaturgy!
Throughout this book, you'll learn the very fundamentals of what thaumaturgy is, how to practice it, and what you can use it for. I'll also be correcting common misconceptions, providing you with fun anecdotes of my now long-dead students, and piling so many shitty jokes onto you that you'll wish you never decided to learn this field. If you need to study a specific spell for a test, you can use the table of contents at the start to jump to any part of the book.
If you're ready to begin, simply read on!
Chapter 1: The Basics
1.1: Definitions
Many people who enter my class often immediately ask me, "Mr. Antigonus, what is thaumaturgy? I read Harry Potter, is it something like that?", to which I usually respond, 1) my condolences, and 2) no, it is nothing like Harry Potter. In fact, it's a lot more complicated and frustratingly nuanced than a book about teenage wizards, so if you're reading this to finish your cosplay, I suggest you just go with sleight-of-hand tricks and firecrackers instead.
Thaumaturgy, in its broadest sense, is the science of applying attributes to objects, pointing at some physical thing and telling the universe "this has so-and-so property". For example, the root spell Joto increases the heat of an object, while the root spell Gandisha makes an object colder. Thaumaturgy, at the end of the day, is simply that. However, while it sounds somewhat boring, you'll find that thaumaturgy is an immensely powerful tool when you know how to use it. Like a barbeque.
Another thing you'll need to know is what we mean when we say "spells". Spells are the instructions (usually a symbol or action combined with a phrase) we use to assign attributes. Most basic spells are symbols combined with words, but it's technically possible for all spells to be converted to entirely one type of instruction.1 Regardless, we will be using the most basic forms of spells in this book, since I am assuming you are not a hack.
You'll also hear of a language called "Universal" spouted like gospel by thaumaturges constantly. Universal isn't a universal language, despite what the name implies; rather, it is a universal language, as in, the universe's language. It tends to arise naturally at least once per universe when consciousness is involved, and is most commonly known locally as one of the following:
- Lengelhi (Most Common)
- Montosorrensianian
- ⇯
- Swahili
- English2
Universal, as far as anyone call tell, is the "natural language of reality". By speaking the natural language of the universe, you're able to become one with it. Or something. The point is that speaking Universal means you can do thaumaturgy better, so if you already speak one of the above languages, congratulations, this stuff's gonna be much easier!
With these things in mind, you're ready to begin your amazing journey into the world of Thaumaturgy. Let's start off with three basic spells and build up from there.
1.2: Basic Spells — Msingi, Kufuli, and Futa
The first spell we'll take a look at is Msingi, which roughly translates to "basic" in Universal. Msingi isn't a very powerful spell, but it's the only one which merely requires a simple shape and single word to activate. It's also the basis for numerous other spells, so it's usually taught first. Below, you can see the shape of the Msingi spell, and the corresponding activation phrase is, well, Msingi.
When activated, Msingi applies minor pressure onto the edge of the object the circle is placed on. This usually results in a small gust of air being thrust upwards, and the circle erases itself from the object (which we'll soon learn more about). You can try this by grabbing a paper and writing tool, drawing a circle, and saying Msingi audibly. I would not recommend using it on this book, especially if it's borrowed from the Library.
Did You Know? The largest spell ever casted in public was a 2.7 kilometer-wide Msingi spell, performed in a Flower Universe by nearly three hundred and fifty master thaumaturges. As a spell's strength corresponds both with the symbol's size and the number of thaumaturges casting the spell, the resulting force was equivalent to 18.4 kilotons of TNT, killing all involved near instantaneously. Remember: a powerful thaumaturge does not equal a smart thaumaturge.
Once you think you've mastered Msingi (which shouldn't be too hard, I hope), we can move on to one of the more nuanced but simple spells in the book: Kufuli. This one literally translates to "lock", and its usage should be obvious: it makes things harder. The corresponding symbol looks approximately like this:
This spell acts a bit differently from Msingi though: while Msingi erases the symbol when cast, Kufuli only functions for a short period of time after the speaker finishes (equivalent to how long the speaker says the spell for), and doesn't erase the spell after. It only mildly increases the strength of the object it's cast upon as well, making it… well, not all that useful on its own. But you can't do much with an electrical socket if you don't have a nuclear power plant, so we'll soon learn how useful Kufuli can really be.
You may have noticed that Kufuli's symbol has Msingi inside of it. That, believe it or not, is something we can use to our advantage. Spell merging is the process of combining spells to match certain effects and potentially create new ones. If you're not dealing with relatively common spells, be careful when merging, as they can have unforeseen consequences.3 By merging Msingi and Kufuli, you get (drumrolls please) Kufuli msingi, which achieves both effects in that order. Give it a try!
Our final basic spell — which, for reasons that are still unclear to me, cause a number of my students to burst out laughing — is Futa. This literally translates to "erase" or "destroy", and does the exact opposite of Kufuli — it weakens objects. Its symbol is this:
This is a highly-idealized version of the Futa spell symbol. Thinning your lines works just as effectively as transparency.
You'll notice that the Futa symbol is very similar to the Kufuli symbol — and you'd be correct. That's because Futa, as it turns out, is a counterspell — it performs the exact same operation as a specific normal spell, but has the opposite effect. One of the most fundamental rules of thaumaturgy is that every single spell has a counterspell, and this has been consistently proven for every of the fundamental spells, save for one: Msingi. No one is actually sure what Msingi's counterspell is, and no one has been able to find it. If you do manage to find it, contact your local Docent and claim your reward from the SMA (Society of Massive Assholes), also known as the Library's Thaumaturgy Division.
1.3: The Fundamentals of Merging
We'll discuss more efficient methods of merging in Chapter 3, but for now I wanted to lay down the basics of subspelling and linking.
We explored subspelling just a bit ago with the Kufuli Msingi spell, but just in case you wrote an antimeme on your forehead and carry a mirror all day, subspelling is the process of saying two or more spells in a row on a shape which contains the shape of another spell. The second condition is required. The spells activate in the order which they were said, meaning if any destroy the shape (such as Msingi), the spells after will not activate. We'll see plenty more examples of subspelling as we move forward.
Did You Know?: The longest spell ever recorded in the history of the Library was a whopping 243-syllables and contained 127-subspells, and was cast by none other than Grand Thaumaturge Snoop Dogg.
Linking is the process of nesting spells inside of other spells to allow for subspell merging. This is a bit harder to perform (especially with knowledge of only three spells), but as long as you follow these rules, it should be simple:
- Linked shapes must touch each other but not cross over one another.
- Linked shapes cannot be counterspells.
- Linked shapes must be distinct, whether in size or orientation.
There are obviously more, but those are outside the scope of this book. Let's take a look at a merge a bit more advanced (don't worry about not knowing the spells):
On the left is the root spell Zungusha, while on the right is the spell Msingi. To activate this merged spell, you would need to say Zungusha Msingi.4 If Msingi did not destroy the spell afterwards, you would also be able to say Msingi zungusha, but since it does, it must always come after. This also means Msingi serves as a termination spell, which instantly ends any spell chain and erases the symbol it was cast on — assuming there is a single circle in the symbol, of course.
Chapter 2: Going Back To Our Roots
2.1: Understanding Modifiers
You think with the amount I've been going on about roots, I'd be a gardener. Unfortunately, I picked a more annoying field to spend 400 years on, so instead I will teach you about the wonderful world of root spells.
Root spells are like normal spells, except they accept parameters, which we call modifiers. Modifiers allow us to change how a root spell modifies an object, by specifying things about the spell or telling the spell to what extent it should change an attribute. You can add a modifier to a root spell by simply saying the modifier after the spell; you don't need to worry about it applying to multiple spells roots since it can only go on the immediate predecessor. However, always remember the order can start screwing with things, so be mindful of how you structure your spells.
Let's take a look at some basic, but interesting examples.
Joto is a root spell I mentioned back at the beginning of Chapter 1, which causes an object to heat up when cast.5 Saying Joto by itself will do nothing, so you'll need to specify the amount by which you want to heat something up. Interestingly, there's no universal measurement you must use in spells; as long as it means something to you, it will work, though there are definitely more proper methods to use which we'll discuss shortly. The Joto symbol is as follows:
From my own universe, we use the measurement "Kelvin" to measure heat. It's based off of the average temperature of a healthy male human named Kevin, which is anomalously constant world-wide. We say "microKelvins" for smaller units, which is roughly equal to 0.55° Celsius, 1° Fahrenheit, or 27° Circulatus. Thus, if I wanted to increase the internal heat of an object by ten microKelvins, my spell would be Joto kumi microKelvins.6 Similarly, for its counterspell Gandisha (whose symbol is below), your spell would be Gandisha kumi microKelvins.7
2.2: Life, Universal, and the Meaning of Nishati
The first annual Thaumaturge Summit is where Nishati was first concocted. But before we discuss the last useful thing this group ever did, we must discuss what life energy is.
Life energy, despite what some may tell you, is a real, measurable force of your body.8 No matter what kind of lifeform you are, you have, to some degree, a quantity of life energy within your body. "Life energy" is the name I use, but you may have also heard it referred to as the Roho ya Akili, Mana, and — if you're an absolute cuck — "Elan Vital Energy".
What makes life energy interesting is that it's the power source of spells. Your physical existence constantly creates life energy as a natural byproduct of different metabolic or transformative processes, and this energy is what gets depleted when you cast. You produce it quickly enough that the spells listed in this book thus far would take decades straight to deplete you, so you didn't need to worry about it until now.9 But, with the introduction of root spells, we'll need to discuss how to properly channel life energy.
Enter Nishati. This word isn't a spell, but literally translates to "energy". It is a unit which represents exactly 1/100th of your life energy, as defined by that Thaumaturge Summit I mentioned earlier. While this unit is relative to your species and personal physique, it's a safe measurement to use when casting since you can rarely deplete your life energy.10 If you would like to be more absolute with your measurements, you can use the Nishati ya Kweli, which is defined as some extremely weird arbitrary constant which you don't need to know because you can just use an online calculator.
There's three primary reasons why Nishati is a better alternative to other units of measurement. One: people will actually know what you're talking about when you share a spell using it, which makes standardization easier. Two: it's easier to recognize how much life energy you're putting into a spell, exercising appropriate caution. Three: by using a measurement in Universal, the spells become significantly easier to say; if you think about it, Nishati's like a melody in your head.
Chapter 3: Reviewing and Learning Some More Shit
We've got pretty much all the fundamental blocks of thaumaturgy down, so let's review.
We've learned five fairly basic spells (Msingi, Kufuli, Futa, Joto, and Gandisha), two of which are root spells, and three of which are not. We learned how to merge spells and chain them up together, and we learned about roots and modifiers. Let's practice combining these, and then I'll teach you more about Kufuli, Futa, and surprisingly Msingi.
Suppose you wanted a spell which heats up a rock by five degrees Celsius, then makes it slightly harder, and then erases itself from our rock because we don't want anyone to know about our spell, for whatever reason. Our base spells would be Joto, Kufuli, and Msingi respectively, since Joto increases heat, Kufuli makes the rock harder, and Msingi erases itself. Great! Our spell Joto kufuli msingi now needs some modifiers to add a specific amount of heat. This can be achieved by adding the numerical measurement followed by the actual measurement: tano celsius. Thus, our spell would be Joto tano celcius kufuli msingi. Its symbol would be:
(We'll learn how to make the shapes more space-efficient in future chapters.)
Phenomenal! We've created our first practical(?) spell!