A Voice in Their Heads
God?
Holy crap! Is that you?
Yes.
Wow. It’s an honor to be speaking with you. I have some questions.
Go ahead.
Really? You’re not busy?
Not lately, no.
Great. Great. I have some questions about your family.
That’s fine. No one ever asks about me.
I hear a lot about your son, and your brother, I think it is?
The ghost?
Yeah that one.
Sure.
I never hear anything about your parents. That bothers me. Why don’t we talk about them?
I don’t have parents.
So you’re an orphan? Wow, that’s sad.
You shouldn’t make assumptions.
Alright, I shall not then.
Funny.
We’re getting off topic. I’d like to know where you came from.
In the beginning there was nothing. I came from nothing.
That happens to me sometimes.
…
Are you there? You didn’t answer me and you’re being kinda vague.
I am not. I am speaking plainly.
Okay, so did you magic yourself into existence?
You lack the capacity to understand.
Why can't I understand?
Free agents destroy systems.
Uh, okay, but what if I just didn't have any power? That seems like a decent failsafe.
The knowledge itself is power.
So you’re saying if I knew where you're from, I would become god?
…You cannot know my origins without being god. No and Yes.
What? Are there more of you?
There is only one of me.
You know what I mean.
I am the only entity like myself.
What about the devil?
Which one?
You know, Hell?
There is no such thing.
Oh yeah? Then where do bad people go when they die?
They cease to exist.
Woah. What about the good people?
Cessation of existence.
That sounds a bit extreme.
It actually means the same thing as ‘cease to exist’.
Why would you make us all religious then?
I didn’t. You’re actually the first person I’ve spoken to.
Woah. That’s insane.
Sure.
Hold on, I need to get to class. My bio professor is a bitch. Will I ever speak to you again?
Don’t actually know. You have free will.
Just now?
Most of the time, I guess.
Hey? You up there?
Technically I am everywhere.
I’m not just hearing you because have some kind of mental disorder, right?
No. You have a serious, slowly progressing mental ailment, but I am real.
What, really? Fuck. What should I do about that?
I’m not sure. Planting seeds does not make you an arborist.
Eh. Right. Prove you’re real.
An attractive young woman is about to walk out of that restroom.
She’s not pretty.
I never said she was pretty. I said she was attractive.
Prove I’m not psychic.
What am I wearing?
How should I know?
Next question.
Manifest physically.
Look down. Look down at the squirrel. Hello there. Oh hello. I am a squirrel.
I could be hallucinating this squirrel.
Pet me then.
Less fuzzy than I expected. Still, could be a hallucination.
There’s that pretty girl again. You’re holding a wild animal and you haven’t even noticed that you’re talking out loud to it. Look how stupid she looks. Go say hi.
You son of a bitch get off of my lap.
You’re talking out loud again. Don’t be a spaz.
…
She’s watching you watch me.
“You trained a squirrel! Oh my god! He’s so cute, what’s his name?”
…
You can talk to me but not her? She thinks she’s ugly now, you know.
You're not ugly! My name is Jack!
Who is this?
No really, who is this, am I going nuts?
No, no, you're fine. You did come to this gathering because you wanted to communicate with me directly…
Okay, is this some kind of joke? Is Calista in on it? Emo fucks.
Goths. Also, no, they wouldn't be able to respond to you like this, reading your thoughts and whatnot.
Okay whatever this is, I don't want in on it. Talk to one of these other weirdos. I just came here for the beer and the weed.
Are you sure? There'd be a lot in it for you. I can help you out.
Okay, umm, how could anyone help me?
Ah, a sense of humor.
What?
Nevermind… Well, for example, I can tell you what they're all thinking.
Already know. 'Who dragged the preppy bitch along.'
I can tell you exactly what they're thinking. Your friend Calista, for example.
Okay wait, tell me what color I'm thinking of.
Plaid isn't a color.
Yes it is.
What's the point of this?
So I know you're real.
Ask me anything you would ever want to know about Calista.
Okay, does she think she's better than me?
Well, you think you're better than her, to be fair.
Umm, that isn't what I asked.
She doesn't think about that.
What? That doesn't make sense.
She doesn't think about that kind of thing. Ask me something else.
Did she ever date Jack?
Not really.
What does that mean?
Well it was never official.
You actually gave her a wedgie.
Shut up.