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by 0verandoverandover0verandoverandover, 04 Apr 2017 19:41

Okay, so. I may not be the best person here to give any clear review of this but— here I go!


There's points where the quotations aren't there for the dialogue.

"The fireworks were going off, repeatedly, for hours and hours!

The townspeople did not think the fireworks would ever stop, and they were right! Sleepless nights, restless days, the fireworks stopped
everything!

But eventually…

The townspeople got used to them

So used to them they didn't even really agknowledge their existence!

The fireworks weren't causing problems to the atmosphere or anything.

But in the end, everybody ignored the fireworks, whether they liked it or not!

One day, the fireworks stopped. But nobody noticed.

Moral of the sto-"

I can kinda see what you were trying to go for here. It looks like you were trying to make one of the characters' dialogue connected but continue that 'one line at a time' format. It confused me at first, to be honest. It seemed like, to me at least, you had forgotten to add in quotations on certain lines and made it more difficult to understand. I had to go back a few times to see this. I would suggest making that one line if you can, to avoid confusion.

So used to them they didn't even really agknowledge their existence!

Spelling error— acknowledged*

"Wait, if i blank my mind, I can tell if the fireworks even exist!"

I… uhm… what? This was a bit awkward to read. Is he saying that if he blanks his mind he will suddenly know whether the fireworks exist? How did he come across this kind of information? Was it just a huge epiphany? Also, the 'i' isn't capitalized.


Alright, so! I might have missed a few points here and there but overall, I don't think it's finished. Beyond the aforementioned points I have made here, some of text seems like it could do with a little work. I find that some of the phrasing is a bit strange, but that could just be me! The story as a whole doesn't get my attention or really catch my interest. It's just a boy who hears about forgotten fireworks, goes to look for them, find them and ends up not doing… anything about it at all? I'm not exactly understanding the point if there is one.

Feel free to take or leave anything I say here. I'm very new, here. I've hardly lurked around and I haven't published anything of my own. I don't recommend taking anything I say as sound advice.

Also, I feel like I should also mention that there is a place in the forums1 that you can post your sandbox to for critiques. Then again, I'm not even sure if anyone cares how you want your feedback.


Fazed, but not broken. Never broken.

by XComplete_ZeroXXComplete_ZeroX, 08 Mar 2016 18:54
Cool stuff
Trumpets CallTrumpets Call 20 Feb 2016 03:35
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Bryx

I really like the Universal Lounge bit, I read the main site story thats set there and would like to see more of it. The gods playing a literal game with human lives is really neat and well done here.

Cool stuff by Trumpets CallTrumpets Call, 20 Feb 2016 03:35

I deleted this from the main site and have it here in the sandbox now. I would love to get criticisms and suggestions. Specifically, I would line to know if there are parts of this characters life you think I should include to further develop who he is.

Also, if I can make it fit in better with your ideas of how the Library and Serpent's Hand works, I would be glad to change that. I can't really find an explanation of how the Hand is structured anywhere.

Suggestions by Trumpets CallTrumpets Call, 11 Feb 2016 03:39

Welcome to my sandbox!

We've got fun and games!

…please don't leave

by Dr LeonardDr Leonard, 24 Jan 2016 00:27
rumetzenrumetzen 06 Apr 2015 01:39
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Gaff's Prole Box

it has been brought to my attention that gaffsey isn't a loser, he is in fact a giant fucking nerd and he also smells.

by rumetzenrumetzen, 06 Apr 2015 01:39
GaffneyGaffney 06 Apr 2015 01:33
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Rumetzen

butts go in ur sadnbox u fuken nerd

by GaffneyGaffney, 06 Apr 2015 01:33
rumetzenrumetzen 31 Mar 2015 05:52
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Gaff's Prole Box

Wow look at this fucking loser's sandbox

by rumetzenrumetzen, 31 Mar 2015 05:52

VERY well done.

by Doctor ImpossibleDoctor Impossible, 24 Feb 2013 05:59
Doctor ImpossibleDoctor Impossible 24 Feb 2013 05:39
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ihpkmn

Personally I think this is flawless. The detail is amazing…I have a lot to learn.

by Doctor ImpossibleDoctor Impossible, 24 Feb 2013 05:39
RogetRoget 09 Feb 2013 03:47
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Rogetbox

hell yeah motherfucker


Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

by RogetRoget, 09 Feb 2013 03:47
rumetzenrumetzen 09 Feb 2013 02:30
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Vivax's Sandbox

Yo, I'm a Grinch with a grin, I will shit on your kids
Get a life, get a grip, get a hold on my dick, bitch
Make a wish
I'm a knife, I'm nothing-that's-nicer-than-getting-sliced-up
The switch, the machete, the feti Yeti, the scheiser
Icer, getting-closer-to-Christ ya
Might just find that the design of your life is an angel hair short of divine love
I stink, I just stuck up a truck that said Brinks
I'm a Sphinx, snorted so much that my nose just broke off… think
I’m alone again clutching a loaded Glock soaked in chromium
Hoping that the thought police just don't bust in my home again
Life is tough, you'll get snuffed in the buff
So dystopian, ruff ruff, hear the call of the copper mutts on the hunt
What the fuck, this is not what my mother said I'll become
Star-spangled wranglers got my hopes on the run
Getting closer now
Maybe our society supposed to drown
Middle finger up on the Titanic as it's going down

by rumetzenrumetzen, 09 Feb 2013 02:30
rumetzenrumetzen 09 Feb 2013 02:28
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Rogetbox

yo this sandbox is pretty cool

by rumetzenrumetzen, 09 Feb 2013 02:28
RogetRoget 18 Jan 2013 14:55
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » This is a title.

ermagherd talking


Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

by RogetRoget, 18 Jan 2013 14:55
RogetRoget 03 Nov 2012 18:05
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Bunton

I'm in your sandbox

commentin on your things

congrats with your modship


Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

by RogetRoget, 03 Nov 2012 18:05
BuntonBunton 02 Nov 2012 19:48
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » This is a title.

Just testing that the discussion feature is enabled and functional.

by BuntonBunton, 02 Nov 2012 19:48
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