Note: I'm mainly going to be using the transition, decay, resisting change and endings of the Death tarot card. It follows a mentally ill woman as she tries to deal with hallucinations and other symptoms while going through life. One day a hallucination "pushes" her off a balcony and she springs up jolted awake. Everything is just a little bit different and it throws her off heavily before the same hallucination comes back again. It spends the next days torturing her until she goes on the balcony and it repeats. The differences continue to grow larger and larger while this cycle continues with it starting to push her towards the balcony, eating her food until she starves and gives in to its demand. Not letting her sleep, not letting her take medication. And still it repeats until she doesn't even recognize anything and is lost in a sea of darkness, paranoia and hallucination. We end with her crying in this pit of despair before jolting awake one last time and all the changes are gone. She is tentative, looks around the room searching for darkness. Reluctantly turning all lights on, she walks around her house being scared of every corner. Turning everything on even if its superfluous. Finally when she checks everything its all that is left. She opens to door to the balcony crying. There is a sense of quiet somber before the last thing we hear using onomatopoeia is her getting pushed.
A demonic force knocks, banging on windows and screaming at the door to be let in. It howls in the wind, crashing through the branches, making the trees sob frightful tears. Trying to ignore it I lie still waiting for my meds to kick in. Thinking 'This is the third time this week Lily, you might need to see Cassidy again, but it feels real this time, it always does. I flick a light on but it barely makes a dent in the crushing darkness. Time aches on being held back by the force, refusing to let me go. Keeping me awake while demons haunt my room. Different things I watched during the day are warped. A baseball game turns bloody. Cartoons become occult. Sesame street characters commit murder. Monsters haunt the void I perceive while closing my eyes and I try to push it all away. Scolding nasty images and killing the actors of the plays happening inside my mind. Shuddering I think other thoughts, grasping onto dreams and ideas from long ago, they feel like my life-rafts during a tsunami. And still the bad thoughts come, weaving through my cochlea into my mind. Closing my eyes once again I take deep breaths.
Breath in
huuuu
Breath out
huuhh
Keeping my eyes closed I continue
Breath in
huuuuu
Breath out
huuhhh
Pushing the thoughts away I get up, maybe just a breath of fresh air can help right? Ignoring the faces in the corners and the screams echoing in my mind I walk towards the balcony. It shows the sprawling liveliness of the hellhole we call New York. Its a terrible view but it allows me some leeway to think positively. The lights are beautiful in a way. The bustle of the city even so late is kind of charming. I stand there staring contently for a while. Getting a break, let things kick in, forget about the monsters for a while.
Breath in
huuuu
Breath out
huuhh
Even demons are nice in a way, least I have company I joke with myself. Yawning persists and it might finally be time to take another stab at sleeping.. It sure is oddly warm out here, I mean the wind… it feels like its coming from one direction honestly but.. the leaves aren't flowing, its odd yet relaxing. God, its been like 20 minutes hasn't it. Getting up I turn around AND HOLY FUCKIN SHi- I leap back, a giant smiling demon is there mouth gleaming, eyes red and glowing, it speaks in a low voice asking for food. It breaths heavily but it sounds and feels like the wind. Was it there all along? Have I been ignoring it this entire time? This.. makes the others look like nothing. I thought the devilish smiles and the haunting glares were bad but no. Snarling it reaches forward with a rough, cracked, and bloody hand. Placing it on my shoulder it whispers "Goodnight" and gives a heavy push. Falling over the edge I feel gravity take its toll, pulling me down as I cascade through brittle branches and uncaring leaves.
THOOM
The sound cascades through my head as I wake up drenched in sweat. Thank fuck it was just a nightmare. I look up, early morning. It wasn't real, thank god it wasn't real. That thing was horrid, disgusting, vile. I grab my phone and check the time, 9:48. Its early, I don't have any appointments with Cassidy today, no work either. I start to calm down, getting up I make my way to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass of water from my bedstand while passing. Morning meds and some cereal is my prescription today. Stale water but it works, gulping them down I suppress a burp. Why does that giant white one's aftertaste taste like watermelon? I might need to look that up later. Whatever, I open a cupboard to get a bowl and.. hunh? Since when were the glasses here? I guess I must've rearranged them and forgotten. Going on, morning routine then lazing around all day. Do some pushups and go for a run, read some of this week's book, watch anything on TV. Kids shows, sitcoms, reality shows, I don't care just I need background noise.1
Breath in
huuuu
Breath out
huuhh
I might need to write down that dream for Cassidy. She'll want to talk about it our next session. Writing in my Diary, I occasionally sneak a peak at the TV until bam, I'm done. I take my time making sure my thoughts are specific until looking up and stifling a scream, that stupid fucking thing I swear it was just there. I try rewinding the recording but nope, it isn't. I swear to fuck it was, right in between those sports announcers was it again.
Breath in
huuuu
Breath out
huuhh
No, no, no I can't do this today, I don't want to do this today. I flip channels until I land on some generic kids program talking about easy life lessons. Singing the ABCs for a bunch of toddlers at home and me. I try to mindlessly stare at the puppets and songs playing out before me but my mind keeps drifting back to that being.
Fuck, normally I can deal with things but I- I just can't no, no, no no no No NO. I run back to my bed, crying. I grab my phone
(Goes to balcony to prove its fine aand push)