I > I 2/4 > VII 2/4 > VI > VII
I’m femme to my friends,
but I’m trans on stage
and I hope that doesn’t phase
you from this stupid trend
that makes me wobble and bend
from beginning to end
Okay, this isn't really interesting in any way. You don't say it in a particularly new or fresh way. In fact, you literally say "I'm trans and I hope that doesn't phase you". Compare that to something like "And I felt like a hundred bucks in the pocket of a gambling lush/ At a wondershowzen flow with the droids of destructo luck/ Fugitoid on the run again, the sky gleamed the maroonist coloring/ Layered against the bluest tone from where the thunder lived". One of them uses complicated metaphor and imagery to describe something very basic. One of them doesn't. Flow-wise, the rhyme scheme is basic, and there's nothing to distinguish it linguistically. Compare it to something like "Known narcissists, sipping on arsenic, Carved carcasses in the garage, don't park in it, Hard as finding retarded kids at Harvard, It's Wolf Gang barking keep you up like car alarms and shit" which uses a shit-ton of assonance and internal, multi-syllabic rhymes.
like the things that amaze
the things that I send
in a circle through a murky haze
that lost its meaning after days & days
comes back, hits me in my right & left brains
shocked by the fact as my mind does rend. This is better at not just telling you what's going on, but it's still unimpressive from a poetic perspective. I'm not super fond of how far apart the -end rhyme is either.
and I think that chaos is a little bit crazy really now
and kinda cute when I’m a little bit hazy
just a bit psycho and all full of vanity
that’s what I like in a girl if you’re asking me
but people mean problems, if you know what I’m sayin
there’s way too many at this place that I’m staying.
It’s a cheap motel I like to call Earth "I like to call" is a really silly way to say it. It sounds really 90s white person-y
You check in for life, and check in’s back at birth I don't like the phrase "check in's back
We move along, on the backs of our memories
Driven by love and loss and history. I don't think these two lines flow well, especially with the surrounding stuff
My friends don’t understand what they’re doing to themselves
They say they’ll never put their lives all up on shelves
It’s like they think that they’re all so damn immortal
even though everything they do is utterly immoral maybe it's just because i'm your friend but this strikes me as really obnoxious
It might not seem like danger lies very near,
but that doesn’t mean we ain’t got no fear. Too many unnecessary words
The men that hold on have never held tighter
and the things they carry always used to seem lighter I like this
Except for the spirit and the mood of the game
it never seems like anything ever stays the same also too wordy
But I’ll leave it all to you and your eternal discretion,
as long as you know you’re under my protection this is really lame
The ephemeral dreamscape is in my possession
So I’d like to take this moment to ask everyone a question, more wordiness problems, and I dislike the phrase "the ephemeral dreamscape is in my possession
It isn’t me that keeps people in line
If it was it was my choice I’d rather spend my time. Spend your time doing what?
But this is still a query I gotta ask of everyone, still wordy
even if it means we gotta to stop having our fun.
So we’ll keep on running till we run outta soul is that what running does
Even if it means when we die we drop cold,
Because like the men that held on so tight,
if we keep holdin on we might die of fright.
That isn’t to say we can’t do any better,
just gotta let it rip and run with the feather I'm… not sure what this is supposed to mean, and it doesn't sound cool enough to justify that.
because if you ain’t running at the sky to fly
you may as well be running at the grave to die I'd cut out the "to die"
with a wish of suffocation
trumping eternal admiration I like this
When all you really wanted
was a simplification.
There's a little part of me that tells me what to do
Tells me that what it knows, it knows to be true I don't like the repetition
And there's really no helping it, so I'd best just follow through
it tells me that I'm falling, head and heals over you
better get my head, outta the ground, I don't like this whole line of reasoning. It's cliche, and less importantly, if you're falling why is your head in the ground?
stop and figure out
what is it that I'm doing now,
figure what am I allowed?
Something about this moment, something about today
Worry on and hurry on, panic as you run away
Grant me my allowances, help me pay the bills on time
Read me all my grievances, but tell me I'm fine I like this