WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FILE IS LEVEL 4/7004 CLASSIFIED
ANY ATTEMPT TO ACCESS THIS FILE WITHOUT LEVEL 4/7004 AUTHORIZATION WILL BE LOGGED AND WILL LEAD TO IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7004 has only ever allowed the human race to know its location for their own peace of mind. It is currently being tracked by 125 global radar systems and several psychics. As of September 4, 2019, SCP-7004’s location cannot be ascertained by any known radar system, and every psychic who has attempted to find it has suffered a splitting headache, followed by a violent, explosive brain aneurysm, killing the subject and any bystanders instantly.
Description: SCP-7004 is a known poet, and on occasion will write lyric poetry on the faces of important historical monuments around the globe. SCP-7004 is also a known sex offender.
SCP-7004 has five total shoulders. It does not wear underwear, it simply flattens its genitalia around its lower body to protect from the weather. SCP-7004 has complete control over all of his body hair, and often uses it as a prehensile stabbing or grappling weapon. SCP-7004 can swallow coal and compress it into diamond within the span of two hours. It has 412 sets of abdominal muscles that act as armour and can be contracted quickly enough to create blasts of compressed air capable of destroying automobiles. SCP-7004 does not need to breathe, though given any reason, it can and will inhale with enough force to suck a fully grown Man into its lungs, where the compacted body is disposed of by its natural internal functions. SCP-7004 cannot be directly met with the eyes. Attempts to look at it directly are 100% unsuccessful, as it only ever appears in peripheral vision. SCP-7004 can squeeze the president in half. The joint between SCP-7004’s upper arm and lower arm is simply referred to as “The Cure.” It is still uncertain as to what it is the cure for, however if records show anything, it cures nausea, a complete set of teeth, 20/20 vision, lively movement, the entire population of Australia, and ████. SCP-7004 does not open jugs of milk, he simply bites the plastic top off and slurps it up through both his nose and mouth. SCP-7004 has the fastest liver to body ratio in the multiverse. SCP-7004's semen is highly acidic, with a rating of -9.7 on the Kutin scale. SCP-7004 can touch his nose with his tongue. (The rings of Saturn are after images of this effect.)
SCP-7004 can make chicken broth from a bag of frozen Mango chunks and a canister of insect repellent. SCP-7004 once ate too many burritos at once and had slight indigestion. The next day all the dinosaurs dropped dead. SCP-7004 has caused every single mass extinction on this planet and more.
Every attempt at psychiatric evaluation of SCP-7004 has failed completely, resulting in the doctor’s death, catatonic deterioration, or resignation due to mental instability.
SCP-7004 could be any one of us, even you.
[DATA EXPUNGED]
SCP-7004 is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object. It has a document signed by three now-deceased priests confirming that he is Satan incarnate.
SCP-7004 is able to create the most exquisite sound in the known (and unknown universe) with a stick and an empty can of beans. The sound has been officially dubbed B sharp or E sharp depending on the position of the stars.
SCP-7004 is planning on the assassination of [REDACTED]. Under article PK-369, Contingency: Pork Wrestling is currently in effect. SCP-7004 was once asked what the meaning of life was. He responded by laughing and then crushed the head of the person who asked him this with his left eyelid.
SCP-7004 drinks pepsi simply for the enjoyment of regurgitating it all over orphaned children or homeless people who ask it for food. SCP-7004 and SCP-8989 “Peter Gabriel” are closely related because it was such a fan of 8989 that it sampled Gabriel’s DNA and worked it into its cellular composition. One of the lead causes of global warming is SCP-7004 preparing his latest original piece. Agents in the far north are currently stationed and prepared for a K class scenario when its latest album drops.
SCP-7004 often makes sexual advances on interviewers, reportedly having lifted a FOX News anchor above its head and thrown her sidelong into a door frame in order to compromise her ability to resist. SCP-7004 has twice been reported to mount the outside of moving vehicles and throw fruit, vegetables, small animals, and human ██████ at people for the sake of art.
SCP-7004 eats a diet of only bullets when it needs to bulk up for a show. It has never tasted the blood of a ███████.
SCP-7004 was once bored by this mortal coil and moved several of the Soviet Union’s missiles to Cuba to see what would happen. SCP-7004 taught early hominids hunting because he really craved a killer smoked meat sandwich in the future. SCP-7004 is fluent in every recorded language, but chooses to speak only two. SCP-7004’s given name at birth was Philip Cauldwen, but after leaving the womb it rewrote its birth certificate with its telekinetic abilities. SCP-7004 signed the Declaration of Independence. SCP-7004 has fought in every historic war and is rumoured to have been an alias of both Julius Caesar and Cleopatra. SCP-7004 is thought to be complicit in the assassination of John F. Kennedy, thought to have utilized a blast of compressed air from his abdominal muscles to destroy Kennedy’s skull. Fascism soon went extinct after SCP-7004 created his windmill designated "TORSO". Attempts of resurrection are currently impossible and met with extreme prejudice. When the “TORSO” was turned horizontally, it released a mass-extinction event colloquially known as the “Covid-19” pandemic.
SCP-7004 has been described as both “The greatest mind of any generation” and “Clinically insane and without restraint or remorse” on several occasions.
SCP-7004 does not.
SCP-7004 is physically and psychologically incapable of giving a fuck, not a single fuck, not a single, solitary fuck.
SCP-7004 has been known to possess mysterious temporal and spatial distortion abilities. Specific information on the function and limitations of these abilities remain unknown, presumably due to Kutin’s temporal and spatial distortion.
SCP-7004 has lost its virginity █████ and a half times.
Addendum A: PETERKUTINPETERKUTINPETERKUTIN
ADDENDUM B - only known image of SCP-7004, captured with a nokia lumia 900.